today i slapped a boy across the face and tried to run away, but he pulled me so hard by the back of my coat that i fell down. he then lifted me up off the ground by my throat.
i have never wanted to make out with someone so bad, and thaaaat is why i am the worst person that you know.
you are allowed to be a black hole.
you are allowed to be a meteor.
you are allowed to smash yourself against the earth.
you who are infinite,
you who have been confined;
you are allowed a way out.
you are allowed to break all of your favorite plates.
you are allowed to burn all of his old letters.
you are allowed to stomp both of your feet.
you who have been told all of your life,
"you’re too much,"
to the point that you have felt, you are not enough.
you are allowed to let blood drip down your face
you are allowed to let dirt under your nails
you are allowed to let callouses overtake your feet.
you are allowed to burn.
you are allowed to let your head slip underwater,
and hold your breath.
if you do not navigate around your darkness,
when dark times come, you will get lost in them.
call your darkness by it’s name.
by your name.
curl your fingers around it.
it doesn’t own you anymore.
someone posted a “which of jesus’ disciples are you?” thing on tumblr and i took it, and i got judas and nothing has ever described my current spirituality more accurately
edit: not that i hate god
the older i get, the less i understand anything
about God, the devil, the angels.
when i was little
the devil was a white man in boxers with pink hearts all over them
the angels were always in the corner of my eyes
God was the friend who appeared in my room at night, in a beam of light.
the devil is every white man in navy briefs in my bed
the angels are somewhere far away
i can’t remember the last time
God was in my room.
i keep falling for ten different versions of you
even though you never loved me, anyway.
some days, your big brother calls you and tells you about how he’s been having a hard time and just wants to hang out with you, even though it’s been years since you’ve really talked.
these are the days that i feel more like the big sibling. because im buying him mcdonald’s, and im driving us everywhere, and im buying his girlfriend cigarettes. im taking my mom to the grocery store and sitting in the parking lot while she takes an hour to buy groceries, because im the only one with a car anymore.
and im telling my brother about how im getting my own apartment, and he’s telling me about how all he wants is a regular life.
he will be 23 tomorrow.
i am so glad he is alive, even if he isn’t sometimes.
night 2 drunk and snowed in and alone………
peanut butter m&ms will u be my valentine?
an email that i will never send
do you remember the day that it snowed so much, and we just wanted to see each other so bad, that we walked 7 miles to meet each other in the middle? do you remember how that old couple saw me walking in the snow, and how they picked me up when they found out why i was walking? the way all of us laughed when we finally saw you walking down that big icy hill and picked you up too?
do you remember our red scarves wrapped around our heads, how we huddled in that abandoned church-shaped shack in archdale, and we laughed with our heads on each other’s shoulders?
do you remember what we talked about on the way back to your house? i don’t…but i wish i did tonight.
do you remember that night, and how we played the only board game we could find at the house we shared with your brother and his wife? and how your brother’s wife and i got mad because you’re both so competitive, and neither of us girls cared?
do you remember how we went to sleep, and how quiet the snow made the night? and how cold your house was, only warmed by that big woodstove in the kitchen? and how i had to get my dad to pick me up the next day, even though my high school was canceled?
do you remember the way i hid in your closet to sing when you played your guitar, because i was afraid my voice was bad? and you just laughed and recorded it and made a garageband track on your computer. your brother and his wife were so mad, we were keeping them awake, but we were so in love, all we could do was laugh.
tonight, i am a little bit jealous of my 17 year old self. and i wish i could tell you how in love with you i was, and how real our love was. i really don’t think that happens often in life, and i don’t love you anymore, but our love was so real at that time. and i wish i still loved you sometimes, i know it’s healthy and right to not be with you, but i wish, oh how i wish.
today, this day, four years later, i am sad in the snow because our best friend is dead and gone. and we aren’t walking to each other in the snow, we aren’t talking anymore. you aren’t talking to your brother anymore, but i still am friends with him and his wife; they’ll be married for five years this august.
can you imagine….can you imagine if we could have peered behind the veil into the future and seen that we wouldn’t talk anymore in a few years? i think if i knew that then, i would have kissed you even more knowing i wouldn’t get the chance to ever again. but time says we kissed enough. would our walk have been any different if we had known?
because tonight, i am snowed into my house in winston salem. most of what i own is already packed up in a corner of my room, because i am moving again. i am listening to sufjan stevens, and i am drunk on wine.
tonight i am thinking about one of your childhood best friends, and how i slept with him a week and a half ago, and how i wish i was talking to him right now.
tonight i am wrapped in your sister in law’s mustard yellow cardigan that she gave me to match one of my dresses
tonight i am infinite, i went to stomp through the snow in my backyard with my big boots on that my friend brandi gave me when i moved to the mountains
tonight i am staring at heaven in the face asking questions,
tonight the sky is quiet and full of sleet
tonight i wish i could tell you all of this, but you’d never read it, and it wouldn’t be good for either of us anyway.
would You still love me if i said all the wrong things sometimes?
would You still love me if i talked like my brother when i get tired or am around people i don’t like?
would You still love me if i didn’t like very many people?
would You still love me if i smoked a pack a day?
what if i just dropped it all, and moved to chicago to become a bartender,
would You love me then?
did You love me last sunday morning, when at this very hour i turned over and fell asleep beside a man?
or did You love me more when i was still kind?
see, i traveled the world trying to find You,
but i ended up finding myself.
now, im having trouble seeing You as clearly as i used to..
sometimes i feel like
a reverse parable of the talents.
You gave me one, i turn it into ten.
i can take care of myself!
i can get my oil changed, my car inspected, my own apartment,
i can buy my own clothes, i can buy my friends dinner!
i can bail my brother out of jail! i can pay my mother’s rent!
i can get the guy i like in bed!
but i feel like
those people i see burying their shit in the ground
might be smarter than i am, somehow.
am i taking too much from Your hands, a greedy daughter,
or are You laughing over me when i pour the cup You gave me over my head?
what kind of God are you?
who are You?
that is the question of this season: who are You?
(i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry…
at the end of the day, we are both still children who had to grow up too fast
children who’ve had too much on their backs
and not enough on their plates.)
at the end of the day,
im not sure if i should be on my knees asking to be forgiven
or thanking God for a little bit of milk and honey.
i never thought someone so tender
would find someone so rough.
my body is a whisper
my blood in delicate lines of veins
every deep part of me whispers “slowly, gradually…”
even in great storms of emotion
i will come back to the soft voice inside that says “quietly, gently…”
it’s 2:24 am
and i just saw your facebook for the first time in years
but i didn’t even care.
i’m getting too tired to care about you anymore, it’s too much weight.
a small part of me feels i should apologize for this,
but the bigger part of me knows neither of us need that apology anymore.
the best medicine for feeling lonely is stupid people…cause you just will be thankful to be alone after hanging out with them.
god bless 18 year old boys with their shit together (or at least more together than most 32 year old ‘men’ that i hang around)